New Year, New Year.

How the hell did that happen....New Years Eve....already! Really where did that year go?
It feels like it has been lacking in productivity, I haven''t made it as far as I would have chosen and all of the changes that I knew that had to be made when I came home last year haven't all been made. That said it has been a busy year. Maybe not completely business wise with the collapsing economy, but in many other ways and I already know I need a job which requires half the effort, otherwise it will be me who eventually does the collapsing. I guess not everything was made to last!

So what does 2013 bring with it?
Well I'd love to pursue the art side of things more and ultimately I'd love to work in some capacity with animals. There are several rescue/conservation projects I have my eye on around the globe, although I have two qualifications I should really tie up before I do this, though at a push one could be done on the run. So find me some bunny sitters and and I'm good to go! It could be a very exciting year and with every inch of my heart I hope it is.

As for tonight it will be a little quiet, sitting in with lemsip, inhalers et al, watching the fireworks being set off in Newcastle from the window. I'll maybe see in midnight with Jules Holland's Hootenanny. Tomorrow however is another day and there again a New Year and who knows what it will bring. New Years resolutions? We'll maybe not worry about them at least until tomorrow! It's not procrastination, it's just being realistic :)

I wrote a poem about New Year when I was in my teens and I've tried to find it to no avail, so I cannot share it this time, so instead I will share this....

I found a letter at my mum's from 1942 with this verse within it: 

"In this life of toil and trouble, two things stand alone. Sympathy in anothers troubles, courage in your own."

So there you go a letter and piece of advice that obviously is built to last and quite a find!

And what picture to share with you on such an eve? Hmm there's a dilemma, but at the end of the day I am a Leo of sorts so therefore may as well go out with a roar.

Pencil (various grades on watercolour paper)

For those of you who have seen him before I apologise. Hopefully once the New Year gets going I will have some new stuff to share with you.

 For now I'd like to wish you a Happy New Year! I hope your 2013 is filled with health, happiness and the stuff dreams are made of.

See you on the other side ;)

Sarah x

Melting Hearts.

Life is precious and it may not always seem easy, but it is full of people and circumstances which will teach you lessons.I was once told that wherever you are in life, you are in the right place, it was meant to be, even though it might not seem it at the time. I have to say being holed up with flu and an infection doesn't exactly feel like my right place right now, but maybe I just needed a few days out.

The people you meet, they all come with love or a lesson and then there are some who are a little more confusing than that, friends, family and foes. There are some souls who will steal more love then they could ever reciprocate and then some souls steal your heart.

I bond with people fairly quickly, I start to care very quickly. I bond with animals even quicker, so when I was given the care of two baby antelope Chitatu-duiker and Chennai-impala after the vet left through unfortunate circumstances, I guess that went into overdrive a little. They were part of my three rounds a day and I was there for feeding and other duties including to satiate their social grooming habits. My arms have never been so clean ;) My experiences with them has left an imprint with me. Chitatu was a little coy and Chennai was very playful, both were exceptionally loveable.

Chitatu seemed strong from the word go and even a few weeks later Chennai seemed to fair well despite his unfortunate circumstances. His mother died just after he was born, he was found and brought into the sanctuary, but there are problems with husbandry of this sort. Baby antelope require a very specific formulae with nutrients not always provided by cows milk or other human baby formulae, so putting that together with the stress he must have suffered is likely to have lessoned his chances of survival.

Around a week and a half later, Chennai started to suffer seizures. He developed diarrhoea and severe dehydration, although he was still making an attempt to eat and drink. The day before we took him to the vets, it was agreed that I could take him back to the house, (stranger things had happened on this project), so we could keep a closer eye on him and give him regular hydration.

By morning he was fitting severely and couldn't stand, three of us and a wrapped up Chennai were bundled into the land cruiser and rushing to the university vets. I was left there alone with Chennai and several student vets and a tutor who were working hard to stabilize and re-hydrate him. I'm not a vet, so in this instance all I could do was be there to try and settle him and let the students get on with their work.

Eventually after an hour the fits subsided and I began to think there was hope. The vets went off to take lunch and I stayed with Chennai. They had kindly bought me a lunch of nsheema and liver, I couldn't really say much, so I picked at the nsheema looking eager and bundled it away into my bag when they left.What's a vegetarian to do?

During lunch unfortunately Chennai started to develop breathing difficulties, it was almost like he was choking. It was terrible to watch and although there are a few things I'm confident with when dealing with people, under these circumstances I was not. Two minutes before the vet came back into the room a tear left Chennai's eye, trickling down his left cheek. I think the vet knew that there was only a few precious breaths left in him as he came into the room. He apologised and knowingly said there's only so much we can do.
He said I could spend some time with him if I wished. It was a rather bleak day.

Chitatu is still doing well twelve months on and Chennai will always be a special little dude here or not.

A sketch I did several months ago.
Chennai - Pastel and pencil on black paper.

Baby Boom.

2012 seems to be have been the year of the baby boom. Last year it was a year of friends weddings, so I guess I should have been more prepared really. If a baby hasn't already been born, then it soon will be. 

This flush of babies actually started in December '11, somewhere around Christmas day, give or take a day or two. It was one of my friends (one of a twin), the other twin gave birth a couple of months later. They shared the joke about coinciding births. The last friend to announce she was pregnant is still only 12 weeks, so in between I have genuinely lost count, my guesstimate (as I always forget one or two) is that numbers are in the twenties somewhere. All that I can say is that I am pleased that I am not playing Godmother to them all. I think three nephews is perfectly sufficient for now.

The commission piece that never was, I did in draft. It's not perfect and I must admit if I'm just sketching on the sofa I tend to work at a very strange angle, (I do the same when I write), which doesn't help perspective. Anyway I'd had enough of looking at a freaky not quite right sketch, so I decided to add a little colour and tweak it a bit.

My thoughts....... it's not great, but it's good to try something different and as with everything the more you do, the more you learn! Maybe I'll use this as a prelude to a sitting with my nephews....(4, 9 & 15),God help me!

Deja vu

It's like deja vu, 
I've been here before.
Looked into your eyes,
Searching for more.

We crossed paths somewhere,
Our hearts entwined.
Souls wept, 
Your face reminds.

Boxing Day - Round Two

It has been a strange Christmas. Not particularly relaxing and I guess the fact that I'm working in between Christmas and New Year has taken away any real holiday feel. Not that it isn't positive, being self employed it pays the rent only if I am at work. However I also have two courses on the go and accounts that need to be finalised before the end of January.....a whole month away! Yes one whole month away,  but it is one of those tedious jobs which I have always hated doing. One of those jobs, that I will always find a replacement for instead of doing!

The fact that I received an easel for Christmas will probably prove to be one of the biggest procrastinations of my accounts. In fact, make that two! I received two easels believe it or not, (thanks to my two generous benefactors who failed to exchange notes on gift buying), so now I have one for home and one I can take to work to be used in any down time! Uh oh, one senses one will never get the accounts done now!!

I am sitting here looking at the monster of beech wood feeling slightly intimidated. Owning a proper easel feels like you should then go on to produce proper art on big canvases. It should stand upon a protective sheet spattered in colour and experience and the air should be tainted with the smell of oil mediums. I feel so far away from that at the moment!

Anyway as there are no recent gutsy performances with the brushes, here is a sketch I did earlier in the year. This is actually the second version I did. A couple of years ago I did the same picture, but in oils and to be honest you would think I'd used two different references. I wanted to draw attention to the leopards eyes and liking the look of black and white photos with a one element highlighted in colour, I decided to try the same here. Due to the poor light when the photograph was taken of the sketch, I have done a little lightening on photoshop.

Graphite pencil (various grades) with watercolour pencil.

Happy Christmas

Run done! Phew....up slightly later than planned and not feeling as healthful as I would have wanted, but 7.5miles later and an almighty hill, I am still here. I run up to this monument every Christmas day, it just seems to have become a tradition. Slightly grey and unispiring today unfortunately.

Thankfully the rain stopped and the sun briefly made an appearance (after I got home grrr), in a very wintery way. Very low in the sky and breaking through the clouds.

So presents! Lucky me some good - painting knives, a lovely dress, hoodie, shoes etc and a packet of chinese fortune sticks....ok!? Or make shift tea stirrers. I'm not finished of course, in my usual way I have eeked them out so I have something to open later. Don't you just hate people like that!

Dinner was scheduled for 3pm to coincide with the queens speech, in true style we were late....by around say....2.5hours! My sisters dog then stole my vegetarian option from the kitchen bench. Christmas wouldn't be normal if it wasn't bumbling with mishaps! Still it has been a lovely day. Very reflective in some ways, (good and bad), but it's good to be with the people in my life who genuinely care.

I hope you have all been just as lucky and I'd like to wish you all a peaceful and very happy Christmas.

I'll leave you with this image of a very happy (well fed) Rocky!

Sarah x

Manic Eve Rush.

Just messing with a few spare minutes of what has been a pretty frantic day. Why is it that no matter how prepared you are, Christmas Eve turns into a manic last chance saloon?

Anyway shops are shut now, nephews have been visited, presents wrapped and I'm just about to pour a Christmas Eve tipple. I think I'll put 'Carol's from Kings' on in the background, and sit with the fairy lights twinkling. All I need is a Christmas jumper, a deeper voice and you may mistake me for Andy Williams ;)

I treated myself to a pack of Derwent Artbars the other day (my Christmas present to myself). Very crayon like, but water soluble and fairly versatile in the techniques you can use. I've had a little play with them for a few minutes this evening - nothing grand! I'd recommend them if you fancy trying something a little different.

I'd really like to be able to get stuck into some more art over the holidays, but I'm back to work on the 27th, so we will see what time I have left.

For now I am signing off to enjoy the last of the evening in my own night owl style. I'd like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas , whoever and wherever you are. 

Don't forget to hang your stocking's out!

Much love,

Sarah x

Sometimes.....

There's this funny little thing called cancer.It's one of those things you're either lucky enough to escape or you're not. I've lost several close family to it and several friends, so rationally it is a bit of a fiend to me. Despite this, I also believe it can be a valuable lesson to those who can take the positives from the experience and live a full life afterwards. Maybe some won't get this, ask wtf am I talking about, however I'd ask those not to judge so quickly when they may not know everyone's facts. Yes there can be lifelong effects and daily reminders, but there is hope and I'd like to serve up my own little portion for Christmas, as I understand how sometimes things can happen which feel completely out of control. Things can happen because of other things and in general, people are pretty ignorant to why it happens or believe that it is all down to your own mindset. I'd apply this to cancer and many other conditions. 

Every year over Christmas, I receive cards from parents of friends who I have lost to cancer and with family I toast other family we have lost over Christmas lunch. From the parents I receive prayers and thanks for being a support and reminder to them. With family I receive a reminder of their constant worry. I feel a need to live life and to fulfil every dream on their behalf and my behalf , because I got lucky and they didn't. I really did get lucky. I was only just diagnosed in time, that period of will she, won't she was with me for quite a while, I was completely ignorant to this at the time.

I feel if I have a down day, I'm not entitled to that, I don't have a reason to feel down. There have been many family circumstances to which ordinary people would feel grief without hesitation, yet even those circumstance prang with guilt, because I have a life. That without doubt I am grateful for, truly I am. What a lot of people don't go on to cover however, is the long term effects of chemo and radiotherapy or any other treatment for that matter. It's a lifesaver without doubt, but once you're in the all clear, often the side affects are put to one side, put down to some psychological effect or just plainly not understood. 

They can be harsh treatments on the body and very often at the time there are modalities that may help you deal with what is going on within your body and people to talk to. Years later, you may be still living a full life, but dealing with several things you feel quite alone with. Infertility, depression, kidney problems. I name them as they are a few that I have dealt with, although I know there are many more. I guess the physiological things are better understood than the psychological ones. Those can be so easily put down to a "negative state of mind". Maybe to a certain extent, but did anyone who was with you ever study the effects of the drugs you were taking?

Within weeks of treatment, the effects on my thyroid and hormones became evident. I really never have been the same since. Don't get me wrong, personality wise I have always been quiet, shy etc, however dark days have been darker and tears have flowed with abundance. I'm sorry but crap advice is crap advice, especially when the person offering it has no concept or want to understand these things. Positivity is 'so' important, but feeling hopeless isn't always a choice, it's definitely not self pity and feeling the pressure isn't always a conscious decision, (at this point I'd also like to point out that there has been/is some amazing support from friends/family and I'm sure you'd acknowledge that too). Hormones aren't an excuse, they are very real and affect us all in very different ways, but as long as you're aware of that, there are many, many ways forward. Some may be personal to you, but seek and you will find. It will be just a phase, whatever you are going through, so never give up! And you know what, give yourself a pat on the back and smile, because I bet if you knew anyone else was going through it, you'd do your bit to help! You have the potential to achieve anything you wish, so keep going!


Have a wonderful Christmas and whatever you are going through, may you never feel alone. You're all pretty special!

Lots of love,

Me - enjoying red wine :) x

Seasonal Dip

So, it's the 22nd/23rd December. Despite my slightly unfestive mood, I have my presents wrapped, cards written, airmail's in the post and I've even made a few foodie type presents. All that is left to do is to deposit gifts with the appropriate friends and find some Christmas spirit from somewhere....I don't think I'm the only one who is feeling flat as a pancake this year. Here in Newcastle daylight never seems to arrive properly, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark, with yes you've guessed it....darkness in between. It's completely screwing with my pituitary gland (no daylight to stimulate the feel good hormones) and getting out of bed in the mornings has become a nightmare. Even my house rabbits continue to snooze by my bedside when the alarm goes off!

Even my drawing seems to have dried up, writing seems thick and gooey and tinged with sadness. It's not particularly pleasant, but I know I'll not be alone in feeling like this. I suspect I was never made for coping with the British climes!

Tomorrow will see me in search of a final endorphin boost at the gym, prior to Christmas day. It works temporarily to lighten the mood. Apart from that I try to eat well and do the right things. I will be trying out my friends light box. I've heard good reports of the light box, so fingers crossed. Otherwise I may just have to sting the credit card for a few days in the sun.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. It's almost time for the old man in red to fall down the chimney, maybe he'll leave me some pencils or something!

Sleep tight! 

Sarah x

Free Spirit

Free and feather light
You drift on the breeze
Letting nature take you
Wherever you please.
Tethered and bound
Unhappy you would be
Joy is soaring above the mountains and trees.

Zambezi Memories.

Whilst in Zambia I took a couple of days out to visit the lower Zambezi area. An area rich in wildlife, flora and fauna and at the time even more intense in heat.
It was fairly quiet in the camp I stayed at and as a result, the tent I booked was upgraded seemingly luxuriously to a canvas hut.
My evenings were spent on the banks alone watching the sun melt gracefully in the waters of the Zambezi, until the perfect star studded canvas of sky illuminated.
A canoe safari and a sunset cruise featured on the trip, eagerly awaiting the presense of an animal not found wild in the UK. So ok hippos aren't, however they did win most prevalent wildlife award. There were plenty birds and wild fowl, several crocodiles spotted and a few elephants which are wonderful to watch, especially when swimming.
Unnervingly one evening whilst sat on the banks I heard a grunting sound. As the sound seemed to get nearer, I started to wonder if I should move from my prime sunset location perched on a rock at the edge of the waters. I left pretty quickly and made my way up the bank, only to realise I'd left my phone where I'd been sitting as I'd been using the camera function. Doh! I returned and collected my possession, only to leave with even greater haste as the sound continued to grow closer.
On speaking with a camp guard later on, I was told it was probably a female crocodile who regularly basks on that particular shore. Nuff said!
It was an amazing place and even if I never return again, (which would be a shame), it will remain a very vivid happy memory.
Zambezi Memories- Watercolor.

It's All in the Eye's.

My life seems to have revolved one way or another around eyes. Strange in some way's, but I'm kind of used to it now.

When I was born the nurse apparently laid me on my mum's chest and as my head lifted, she remarked on how amazed she was at the shock of black hair and the huge blue eyes. To me they haven't always been favourable. I've been teased and tormented mercilessly in the past..."googly eyes"!! I also sometimes wished they were brown or green in colour. On photo's I swear one looks half shut, which I am convinced is highlighted due to the size. Hung up?....Maybe,...... am I the only one with hang up's? Never! I just wear my heart slightly on my sleeve.

My Nana likened me to Audrey Hepburn, my wonderful Nana! Several of my friends too, maybe it was the eyes? Very flattering, but Audrey definitely had something exceptionally more. 

I have a fascination with peoples eyes and I'm not frightened to look into them. I have found some true friends buried in warm eyes. I have also found some people who I could never trust, just by looking into their eyes and time and time again I've been proved right. I even started an album created from close up pictures of peoples eyes, (Note: when out for a glass of wine, it is not the best time for optimum quality of picture). They are just fascinating!

Again, when I draw or paint, it is always the eye's people comment on be it an animal or human being. 

Last year I attempted a picture of dear Audrey,  I could never do her justice and my technical efforts weren't what they should have been. 

Anyway, my efforts...... the eye's of Audrey!

Pencil (various grades) on paper.

Painting Soul's.

Pencil to paper and only then do words flow, 
Without you emotions don't always show. 
Colour and brushes on you I depend, 
Painting the soul of an everlasting friend.
Canvas and oils at one we are,
In this world from you I will never be far. 
Spirit and heart with you I create, 
And when everyone is but gone, it is you who will wait.

Love in the Pride.

Following on from yesterday's post, here is a quick sketch I did of the two lionesses in the Munda Wanga pride. Again quite loose in style and a little grainy to look at due to the quality of the photo....maybe that adds something to it?

Sisters.
Pastel and charcoal on black paper.

Lion's Pride.

Whilst working out in Zambia, the days were excessively hot. I was there during what the locals know as suicide month, (October to the rest of us!). Hindsight is a wonderful thing and if I'd had more, I would have packed some cool packs instead of umpteen fleeces. 

I'd often work throughout my lunch break at Munda Wanga and would be in the park till well after close, doing final checks and spending time with the animals whilst it was quiet. To me there was nothing more peaceful than sitting next to the lion enclosure at dusk, it was so good it was almost surreal! They are such majestic creatures, awe-inspiring creatures. 

In an ideal world, yes these lions would be running free and wild, but the sad fact is this pride wasn't. I can only hope that they are in some ways ambassadors for their species, helping to educate people about why they are so important to the planet, how stunning they are and how they can help to ensure that they are going to be around for generations to come. Co-existence is possible!

Darkness fell quickly and the walk back to the residence was a little more perilous in my mind. I'd stomp back through the grass shining a tiny little torch, all in the hope any snakes would get the message and leave before I came across them. Thankfully there were no surprises and any cobra's were spotted from a distance during the day!

I adapted this picture from a photograph a few months after I returned home. Quite loose in style for me, but it seems to have gone down well and I have sold a few prints of this picture.

Alpha male of the Munda Wanga pride. 

Pastel and charcoal on black paper.

Missing You.

Tears paint my face in shades of sky,
Where my mind wandered when we said goodbye.

SAD

Sad am I the sun don't show.
I fall asleep my mind's so slow.
No warmth & haze, just dark day's.
But dear winter and fall I still love you all.

Mango Season

The study below was adapted from a picture taken on a mobile phone on the way back from the lower Zambezi. My lift pulled off to the side of the road to purchase some mangos from a group of children who had bowls laden with the ripe fruits. On spotting the mzungu in the front seat, they ran over to my window to sell me some too. There was a little girl in the picture also and both looked so cheeky and spirited. It became one of my favourite photos.
This study isn't one of my best, proportions etc and the photo looks quite grainy, however I hope to do something more more with it in the future, maybe in acrylic or oils.

Happy Ever?

Some things in life you can't escape,
Those that are in your mind.
The demons fight & angels weep,
Till no answers you can find.
Tormented matter & joyful play,
It's seemingly there to stay.
We live in hope of tomorrow,
For our happy ever after day.

Sisters

I love my sister dearly! We haven't always seen eye to eye, (sometimes head to head), but I'd like to think the love was reciprocated these days. We are polar opposites, she is blonde, (well born blonde anyway), she's good at academic subjects such as maths, where I'd run screaming. She's bold and has a big belly laugh, where as I can be a bit of a mouse at times. She's also very funny and makes me laugh, hysterically sometimes.

I have these things known as "-ism's". A suffix which I attach to the name of certain people which denotes certain idiosyncratic behaviour. I in my naivety am known for Sarah-ism's. Things normally fall from my mouth before my brain has time to compute. My sister is an intelligent girl, she could qualify for Mensa any day,  however she is know for her Dawn-ism's and they are another ballgame altogether!

It was my nephews 9th Birthday today and as per usual we got together to celebrate. My nephew also has these moments and you can definitely see who he takes after. Three Dawn-ism's were mused over this evening which I would like to share. Granted they may not seem quite as funny retelling them, but they raised more than a snigger to the witnesses.

Dawn-ism No1:
My sister had been sitting with her arm propped up on the back of the sofa. On looking around she managed to scare herself when she caught a glimpse of a random hand floating in her peripheral vision.......her own hand!

Dawn-ism No2:
My sister and her partner recently went to a Chinese buffet restaurant for a meal. As her partner got up to go to the bathroom, she noticed a woman staring at her from across the room. Despite looking back at the woman, the woman continued to stare. She said herself that she felt a little irked by this woman's nerve. That is until she realised that the woman staring was in fact herself, staring at herself in the mirror.

Dawn-ism No3:
I think everyone was stunned by Felix Baumgartner's feat when he jumped from the edge of space back to earth. 24miles up breaking the fastest skydive at 833MPH, he of course was aided by a rather nifty suit that stopped his blood from boiling, organs from combusting etc. He also was attached to a very high tech parachute. Common knowledge by now you would think.

In Dawn's world the chain of events went something like this: He had no parachute and when he landed he gently went into a forward roll. Her explanation went something like.....I thought that when travelling at such a speed from so high up, the land became kind of softer when you landed. I mean I know he was in space, but I didn't realise how high up that actually was.

I haven't set it in quotes because I was too busy laughing to honestly say that it was verbatim. Instead I have highlighted the text it in airy fairy pink, it should be obvious why!

All that I can say is thank you for the laughs and being you! xx

Bare with Me.

To be good at anything you have to practice and for this to happen you need patience. Dear old patience isn't always my strong point, especially with myself.

I've gone along to life drawing classes in the past and come away placing my efforts straight into the bin. I've found them highly frustrating. Nobody really gave any advice on measurements and placement of features. I've struggled in the past to make things fit and struggled with the confidence to apply things to paper.

I've never actually sat as a life model myself, shying away if asked. I think that's something the world can do without! Although as someone who has attended several classes, I have no problems with the aspect of nudity. It's all about shape and form and the dangly bits barely register on the score! However I am somewhat lacking in the funds to regularly attend a decent class, so the next best option was to draw me, using a mirror.

It was a challenge and it was fairly traumatic. Spending 34 years with myself and rarely finding comfort with my own body brings about problems when you come to sit in front of a mirror for a couple of hours exposing yourself. The lighting was terrible and sitting on the floor was so uncomfortable!!

I've taken it upon myself to entitle this, "Sucking Lemons" as I look so miserable, must be my look of concentration! It is my very first attempt at a self portrait of this kind. I have cropped the picture to exclude dangly bits for your viewing comfort, oh and because we don't know each other very well!

The Bucket List.

Life isn't always easy
And sometimes quite unkind.
We often plough on regardless,
With better times in mind.

A blink of an eye and life may pass,
No time to make a plan.
Love, play, do all you that you want to,
Enjoy everything you can.

Cats Eyes.

I adore big cats, I feel comfortable around them, (don't get me wrong I wouldn't launch myself into an enclosure like some crazy)! I have a love of all animals, but big cats are something else, especially when you get up close and personal. I have even been lucky enough to work with some too, unfortunately not Simba below, but I was fortunate to visit him.

Drowning in the molten amber,
your eyes behold more danger than your instincts.
Lion heart, big and bold.
Wild and intense, we are all primal as we return to spirit.

A5 pencil sketch of beautiful Simba, of the Mukuni Big 5 sanctuary in Livingstone, Zambia.

Bombed

Ok so hopefully MI5 won't get the wrong idea with this title.  And no non of this is code for anything other than being a little despondent.

My commission was bombed :( not that I produced it and they didn't like, but they just thought it was a little out of their price range. I read up on pricing and took the advice of several friends in the profession. One has just finished his degree and deals with mainly fantasy illustration, another has worked as an illustrator/graphic designer for many big companies, (I'm in awe of him), for the last maybe 20 years. The last has lectured and taught art for most of his life, he's retired now so he does it for pleasure. He's about to put an exhibition together. I guess the first thing they all told me was not to panic......so I panicked.

Pricing is so tough and as we discussed, it's a huge confidence thing. One told me to charge as much as I could get away with, then after the event said I should be charging around £10 "until you get really good".

Another said I should be charging between £20 and £25 per hour as a freelancer, I know he charges more, but his work is truly amazing and he has much more experience. He said,

"Be bold and don't undersell yourself, start with a high standard, I'd say £100-£120 for a pencil portrait." 

My retired friend said I should charge bare minimum £10 per hour, then materials, rent, lighting etc on top. All said,

 "Just make sure you make a profit!" 

I find money confusing, I don't like it and wish we could all go back to bartering!

I've gone from friends asking me for my pictures for Birthdays and such to this. It's certainly a lesson! I guess it's that whole value, feeling valued thing. Sometimes if you don't even go there it's easier to deal with, yet if you don't go there you will never know!

I don't feel particularly creative right now, my head may as well be in a brown paper bag, but since when did I ever give up that easily!

The Worrier.

You hold me hostage in my thoughts
You penetrate my brain
And when the neurones fire
It sends me a little insane.

You stamp and smoulder within my head
No awareness of what you do
My temples throb with the pain
A worrier I've found in you.

Dear.....

Dear 2013,

I trust you are well there in the future. I'm now looking at 2012 with disdain. I'm aggrieved at the mess that has been caused throughout our relationship. Illness, tragedy, debt, anger, sadness. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't all been bad, but the scales have tipped in a rather negative fashion. Some have blamed his planetary alignments, I'm not sure, I just know I cannot wait to wave goodbye to him.

2013, it's so sweet of you to express an interest in me and I look forward to our time together. I hope we can get along a little better as I have great expectations, but please heed the warning. Get your act together and make an effort or I'll dump you too.....within one year!

Yours sincerely,

~ Sarah

Commission Confusion.

I have a commission. A real live commission! Not someone who has asked me to do a piece, then never mentioned it again.

It's an exciting proposition, but also very scary! What if I can't capture the feeling? I've never drawn a baby before, well apart from a cartoon baby Jesus at the last age of maybe 8. What if she ends up looking like an oversized chipmunk?? It was after posting a self portrait on Facebook, yes Facebook has its uses apart from aggravation.

I'm going to be paid to do this apparently, I've also been told I can't be soft to sell art. No discounts, no compromises! There's so much to factor in; an hourly rate, materials, rent....and then I think aww but they're friends, not close friends, but I know them. Maybe they don't really expect to pay. Then I think, well I have rent bills and living costs, expenditure on materials and so forth. I could go on and on with this argument in my head. Then I think, what am I worth, the thought continues, maybe not much, probably not much, maybe I should just give it away. Guilt agghhh, I wish I could get over it. How much for a baby portrait?!

Help!!

~ Sarah

Rain.

Things don't seem to feel quite right now,
I'm lying here all alone.
Nobody here to talk to,
Too late to pick up the phone.

I sink or swim in memories,
That flood throughout my brain.
Knowing not what tomorrow will bring,
My tears reflect the rain.

Wino.

One glass, I really only came out for the one.
Two glasses, I guess I'll stay and have a little fun.
Three glasses, it's going straight to my head.
Four glasses, if you know me, make sure I get home to my bed.
Five glasses, obviously I'm a little out of touch.
Six glasses, I feel the world has got a bit too much.
Seven glasses, please never let me go there!!

Introducing....

I'm a bunny girl through and through! And no I don't mean I reside with Hugh Heffner, I don't think I could cope!

I mean I just love being around them. I have three rabbits, Tumble often nicknamed King Tumble, my first born and ruler of the kingdom. You can often find him perched on the arm of the chair, high enough up for him to survey his Kingdom. I knew when I saw him that he was meant to be part of my life, I just couldn't have walked away from him that day!

Then there is Flo, (or Florence) , nickname Princess Flo. She came ready named at the age of 4 or 5 months from a rather snotty lady who couldn't dedicate enough time to looking after her. She had one ear that flopped and another that stood proudly to attention. I used to joke she was a big Mama as she had a certain look and attitude. She was also bigger than Tumble despite the age gap of just under 1 year. Things were a little unsettled at first, but the two bonded well and I watch them now playing the song "Me and My Shadow" through and through in my head. I think if they were humans, they'd wear matching jumpers or something ;) despite having completely different personalities!

Finally came Fudge, just under a year after Flo, another rescue case.Really needed to stop there, despite thinking Fudge (or Fudgey Fudge, as I can't think of anything else), should have a girlfriend! Again another strikingly different personality. Quite nervous, but made several attempts to take over as Alpha male. Probably made things hard for himself as it took several months for him to be properly accepted. The other two would chase and nip him. He had torn ears and all sorts, it was heart breaking! Eventually though it did cease, but then one day not so long ago I found him in a collapsed heap. He was like a wrung out dish rag. On arriving at the veterinary hospital, their faces dropped and I was assured that he was very sick. I think I know my own bunny and I think I knew that! They pointed at a very bleak future, but gave options as to what they could do for now. X-ray, blood tests, ct scans. They got as far as the x-ray and then decided to refer him to the neurologist who diagnosed a stroke.

I don't give up easily and despite suggesting several times about how unfair it would be to put him through life any further, he still had a twinkle in his eye. Fudge spent 2.5 days in hospital being re-hydrated on a drip and given painkillers, antibiotics and zantac to keep his gut motility normal. He had round the clock care. He also had intervention from a holistic vet and an animal homeopathist, a little aromatherapy and a bit of physio and massage from myself.. He made such a turn around that he was allowed home by Wednesday lunchtime, (he was taken in on Monday morning, with no reflexes and no ability to move). The vets at the hospital were baffled and kept saying,

 "We are so happy he has pulled around, but we just can't explain it, it's just not your usual case!".

So he came home and the other two rejected him, (as they would do in the wild). About a week and a half later, they got to Fudge quicker than I, which resulted in a torn ear and a nasty infected bite to the eye and several more trips to the vets. They have been separated ever since. Poor Fudge you can see he just wants to get on, but the other two are just too tempestuous at the moment. So back to square one :(. Hopefully in time things will settle again and we can resume happy families.

So until my next lagomorph instalment, here is a picture of Fudge. Not the greatest, but have you any idea how fidgety a rabbit is??

Wishing.

I'd like not to care as much, but I do.
I'd like not to hurt as much, but I do.
I'd like to find that off switch, but I can't.
I'd like to feel serene, but I'm not sure how.
I'd like to find me, but I don't know who I am.
I'd like to find you, but I don't know where you are.

Drawn to Dance

I took up dance fairly late in life for various reasons, despite having dreamed of being a ballerina from a young age as a lot of  girls do. I even had the skinny Dream Dancer doll who twirled around on her own little stage. She held my thoughts for just moments, before I went off to emulate her poise. 

I still remember prancing around the livingroom/yard/backlane in my prized homemade tutu, which I recieved one fabulous Christmas morning. I was a little tubby and wore high white socks with my little silver slippers. I think part of my look at the time was a spangly batton which I twirled with frightening enthusiasm. I guess with my whimsical way, that may not surprise many people. 

I trained for a while in my early twenties in ballet, contemporary and jazz. I subsidised this with various workshops in things varying from african dance to burlesque. Strange for a shy girl, right?  Anything that got me moving. Lunchtimes were colourful, with some characters feeling compelled to recreate some kind of "Hot Lunch Jam", maybe more tepid than hot.

 It felt good to a point, but dance was a hard career to persue both physcally and mentally. Some will give you a differing opinion, but it is competetive and it can be harsh. There were bullies and tears, eating issues and fears. I'm not the first and won't be the last to have discovered that. 

I eventually left to go on to something a little less intense, maybe something just as scrutinised, but still very creative. Something where if I had a mediocre day it didn't matter too much. Well kind of, you know what it's like when you're intent on perfection.

I studied art and design and wanted to use that experience with dancing within my art. The movement and fluidity, themes, edges, personality. My dissertation on creative processes was even  based upon the work of composer John Cage and choreographer Merce Cunningham's use of the I ching. Using the I ching (the chinese book of chance), they deteremined the way the score was set and the order of the choreography. I was in my element, successfully I had managed to merge and creatively present my two passions in a way that most of the other students would never even think about. 

I still dance occassionally these days, quite a varied repetoire. A bit of bhangra/bollywood, interjections of street, musical theatre, ceroc. I also promised a friend I'd take him salsaing soon too! It's good for the soul and I have to say I feel amazing now when I dance. I care less for a start! If I go wrong, it's no biggie and invariably I end up at the front of the class, not cowering at the back. I'm stronger and dance with energy, I move so much more confidently through my extensions and turns. I have had it in the neck from a couple of male leads who just can't take the pace, especially in ceroc.

"You turn too fast, you're out of control!" 

If I'd wanted to dance with a snail, I would have gone to the garden and besides, have you never heard of spotting? What do they know! I might never be technically perfect, but we'll leave that to the professionals.

On my long list of to do's I'd like to spend some time studying the dancers form again, translating it simply and elegantly. Less is often more. 

This is a piece I adapted several years ago, it's a little worn and smudged now. Loose and more so suggestive than being greatly detailed.

December Blues.

We have snow! So in true british spirit I'm guessing all will grind to an almost standstill around about......now.

To mark this most glorious of white stuff before it turns grey and slushy, here is a quick watercolor of Brunton Lane in the snow. A regular route of mine as I cycle to and from work.

And tonights award goes to....

Dear waif or stray,

I'd like to congratulate you on being the very first member of this blog. As a token of my sincere appreciation, I'd like to donate this picture to your cause. Please enjoy!

Many thanks,

Sarah

Observations

This is the view from Kirkly Hall Zoological Gardens where I do voluntary work at weekends. It's beautiful and it's lovely just to sit at lunchtimes or after work taking it all in.

I have noticed my observations becoming more and more defined, the more drawing I've done. When I look at the sky, any clouds bounce out, blues become lilacs and the greenish haze at sunset becomes soaringly obvious.
When I talk to people I find myself studying their eyes and nose, tracking any anomalies and mentally drawing the contours and shadows of their face. Hopefully they don't just think I'm staring maniacally!
Movement is another, watching how forms move and relate to their environment. I trained as a dancer for a while, I still do a little every now and again; I should probably use that experience more. It's about filling the space using the floor, using your muscles and skill. With art you have your paper or canvas and chosen medium/tools. You fill the space using your medium and skill. Both require interpretation.
I'm dabbling in landscapes at the moment. They have scared me a little in the past. It's the big space I have to interpret onto that empty piece of canvas or paper. The way I feel is that the more visually inspiring the scene is, the less scared I am, that said if you zone in on something not so striking you may be quite surprised about what you find. I certainly need to play about a bit more with that.
I stayed at a friends house last night. She lives in Mariners Wharf on Newcastle Quayside. I awoke early this morning to the sun coming up over the Tyne river. It was visually gorgeous, because of the light, what the camera didn't obviously pick up on was a small collection of wooden boats bottom right and a couple of yachts on the left of the river. The inclusion of which in the scene to a greater or lesser extent, could dramatically change the compositional focus and potentially the feelings evoked by picture. Maybe I'll attempt something based on it a little later and just maybe I'll get brave with the paint!
Happy Sunday :)

Bee-line

Billy was "special",
Billy had no mates,
Billy made a bee-line for me.
Billy said he loved me,
Billy told my friends he loved me,
My friends told Billy they loved me.
Billy liked to touch,
Billy was drunk,
Billy was removed from the bar!

I often wonder why these men make a bee-line for me, am I naive to an indelible sign on my forehead saying "Come get me!", "Please man handle without care." or something along the lines of "I have no standards, all welcome." .

Lets call my next example Mr Tynemouth, (the name denotes place of encounter).

Mr Tynemouth was "special",
Mr Tynemouth had friends,
Mr Tynemouth made a bee-line for me.
Mr Tynemouth and Mr Tynemouth's friends were drunk,
Mr Tynemouth and Mr Tynemouth's friends were high.
Mr Tynemouth told me he loved me.
Mr Tynemouth and Mr Tynemouth's friends wanted submission from a female.
Mr Tynemouth and Mr Tynemouth's friends liked to grope,
Mr Tynemouth and Mr Tynemouth's friends liked to fight,
Mr Tynemouth and Mr Tynemouth's friends were removed from the bar!

And then there's Mr Jesmond who I've encountered frequently.

Mr Jesmond was "special",
Mr Jesmond possibly had friends,
Mr Jesmond made a bee-line for me.
Mr Jesmond admitted he knew he was old enough to be my dad.
Mr Jesmond wanted to kiss my hand,
Mr Jesmond Wanted to know if I tweezed my eye brows, because they were so lovely.
Mr Jesmond told me he loved me.
Mr Jesmond asked to join my fan club,
There was no bar to remove Mr Jesmond from!

Just a brief selection of these "special men". Maybe there's something I'm unaware of? Maybe I have a "special" magnet located somewhere under my skin and if so, maybe I should have it removed!