Every year over Christmas, I receive cards from parents of friends who I have lost to cancer and with family I toast other family we have lost over Christmas lunch. From the parents I receive prayers and thanks for being a support and reminder to them. With family I receive a reminder of their constant worry. I feel a need to live life and to fulfil every dream on their behalf and my behalf , because I got lucky and they didn't. I really did get lucky. I was only just diagnosed in time, that period of will she, won't she was with me for quite a while, I was completely ignorant to this at the time.
I feel if I have a down day, I'm not entitled to that, I don't have a reason to feel down. There have been many family circumstances to which ordinary people would feel grief without hesitation, yet even those circumstance prang with guilt, because I have a life. That without doubt I am grateful for, truly I am. What a lot of people don't go on to cover however, is the long term effects of chemo and radiotherapy or any other treatment for that matter. It's a lifesaver without doubt, but once you're in the all clear, often the side affects are put to one side, put down to some psychological effect or just plainly not understood.
They can be harsh treatments on the body and very often at the time there are modalities that may help you deal with what is going on within your body and people to talk to. Years later, you may be still living a full life, but dealing with several things you feel quite alone with. Infertility, depression, kidney problems. I name them as they are a few that I have dealt with, although I know there are many more. I guess the physiological things are better understood than the psychological ones. Those can be so easily put down to a "negative state of mind". Maybe to a certain extent, but did anyone who was with you ever study the effects of the drugs you were taking?
Within weeks of treatment, the effects on my thyroid and hormones became evident. I really never have been the same since. Don't get me wrong, personality wise I have always been quiet, shy etc, however dark days have been darker and tears have flowed with abundance. I'm sorry but crap advice is crap advice, especially when the person offering it has no concept or want to understand these things. Positivity is 'so' important, but feeling hopeless isn't always a choice, it's definitely not self pity and feeling the pressure isn't always a conscious decision, (at this point I'd also like to point out that there has been/is some amazing support from friends/family and I'm sure you'd acknowledge that too). Hormones aren't an excuse, they are very real and affect us all in very different ways, but as long as you're aware of that, there are many, many ways forward. Some may be personal to you, but seek and you will find. It will be just a phase, whatever you are going through, so never give up! And you know what, give yourself a pat on the back and smile, because I bet if you knew anyone else was going through it, you'd do your bit to help! You have the potential to achieve anything you wish, so keep going!
Have a wonderful Christmas and whatever you are going through, may you never feel alone. You're all pretty special!
Lots of love,
Me - enjoying red wine :) x
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